False hope impedes growth and relational connection. Mindfulness may help.

• “Hope-ium” describes a harmful behavior that looks for small moments or experiences to bolster false hope.
• Hope-ium is a druglike response to avoid the hard realities of a problematic relationship.
• Mindful acceptance is the first step in sorting through the issues of the relationship.
• Acceptance is not condoning or approving of bad behavior, it is recognizing what reality is.

The pattern of struggle was well-established: Sarah would voice a concern and Troy would blow up, yell, or give her the silent treatment until she acknowledged the problem was hers alone. Troy would later say he knew he was out of control, but she was the one who pushed his buttons. Sarah didn’t want to face how bad the relationship had gotten, so she convinced herself (and it didn’t take much convincing) that she could manage Troy’s outbursts better next time. She could be more accommodating. With that hope, she carried on.

Patrick Doyle[i], a therapist, coined the term “hope-ium” to describe when a person denies harmful behavior and instead looks for small moments or experiences that bolster the false hope that they are not being harmed or that things will magically change. Doyle asks people to consider the connection between hope and a painkiller. If painkillers are used for a short time to overcome a difficult event (like surgery) that’s an appropriate and necessary use. However, painkillers can become problematic when they are relied upon, and the person is dependent. In this case, painkillers prohibit growth, healing, or resolution. Hope can be like a drug—use it appropriately and it’s a powerful tool for recovery. Overuse it and it impedes growth, autonomy, and may even encourage an unhealthy tolerance of abusive behavior.

Is This a Difficult or Destructive Relationship?

For some people, it’s hard to distinguish between what’s just a difficult relationship and what is destructive or abusive. Defining emotional abuse can be vague. Here are some important warning signs of emotional abuse:

• You feel crazy or like you’re never heard
• You are always to blame
• Your partner tries to isolate you and control who you talk to
• Problems never resolve and your feelings are minimized

If any of these are your experience, consider seeing a therapist who specializes in destructive relationships.

Using Hope-ium to Avoid

Using hope to avoid the reality of destructive behavior is not helpful or healthy. For hope to be helpful, both partners must act on what is hoped for. Hope is hard won, not ignorance of reality.

Recent research suggests that there is a close connection between false hope and ignorance.[ii] When a person chooses to ignore or pretend that behavior isn‘t problematic, that‘s hopium. Instead of dealing with the immediate issue, bad behaviors become more entrenched and wounds fester. Hope is justified only if it is “realistic.” That is when hope is based on good judgment and the likelihood of performance. But when patterns continually indicate poor behavior, hope is not warranted. When a person ignores regular poor behavior to maintain hope, they are using hopium—or false hope that keeps them stuck in a destructive pattern. To avoid hopium, don’t distort reality.

Use Mindfulness, Not Hope-ium

Mindfulness is a practice of slowing down thoughts and focusing on breath. It sounds simple and it is—but it takes practice.[iii] Although mindfulness is associated with happiness, productivity,[iv] satisfaction in relationships, and lower stress,[v] it achieves these positive outcomes not through fanciful denial or avoidance. Mindfulness as a practice requires a constant attunement with the reality of the present and an acceptance of what can and cannot be done. Hope-ium is simply an avoidance tactic or an unwillingness to address the problematic realities of the relationship.

Mindfulness encourages an opposite approach. Instead of avoidance, sit with the reality of the destructive behavior. Acceptance means no longer resisting or denying what is. It is not approval of the bad behavior.[vi] An accepting person is not condoning, agreeing with, or sanctioning bad behavior. Acceptance is the first step to sorting through the issues of the relationship. If a partner is willing, talk through the issues and frankly discuss healthy boundaries. If a partner is not open to authentically addressing the destructive behaviors (which likely includes counseling), then mindfully consider what steps need to be taken to create a healthier environment. This may require permanent separation from the destructive environment.

Here is one way to practice mindfulness instead of hope-ium.

When you experience problematic behaviors:

• Ask yourself: How do I feel in my body?
• See if you can locate a place where your feelings are most noticeable. You may notice a concentration of emotion in your head or face, your heart, a weight on your shoulders, or an ache in your belly.
• Mentally “breathe” into that location (In other words, visualize that you are infusing fresh air). Then touch it warmly with your hand.
• Let go of the need to make the feeling go away. Let it be there moment by moment and notice what it does or how it feels. Accept this moment, even if it is filled with sorrow. This moment is precious and can teach you.

References

[i] https://www.patrickdoyle.life/

[ii] Musschenga, B. (2019, July). Is there a problem with false hope?. In The Journal of Medicine and Philosophy: A Forum for Bioethics and Philosophy of Medicine (Vol. 44, No. 4, pp. 423-441). US: Oxford University Press.

[iii] Leavitt, C. E., Butzer, B., Clarke, R. W., & Dvorakova, K. (2021). Intentional solitude and mindfulness: The benefits of being alone. The handbook of solitude: Psychological perspectives on social isolation, social withdrawal, and being alone, 340-350.

[iv] Coo, C., & Salanova, M. (2018). Mindfulness can make you happy-and-productive: A mindfulness controlled trial and its effects on happiness, work engagement and performance. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19, 1691-1711.

[v] Barnes, S., Brown, K. W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of marital and family therapy, 33(4), 482-500.

[vi] https://www.peacecounseling.org/post/acceptance-vs-approval#:~:text=You%20can%20accept%20absolutely%20anyone,agreement%20is%20not%20a%20requirement.&text=Approval%20works%20in%20a%20completely,some%20type%20of%20authority%20to.

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Neuroscientist David Vago begins each day with meditation. Like millions worldwide, Vago sees his mindfulness practice as good medicine holistically promoting health. Inspired by the staggering power of the human mind, Vago has studied the neurobiological mechanisms of mind-body practices for almost 15 years.

Mindfulness – a moment-to-moment, nonjudgmental awareness of one’s internal states and surroundings – boasts benefits ranging from stress reduction to enlightenment. However, scientific investigations of mindfulness paint a complex picture. Yes, it can boost physical and psychological well-being. But it is not a panacea and can even be counter-indicated for certain individuals. Despite significant progress over the past two decades, research on mindfulness is still riddled with various conceptual and methodological challenges. This is why, according to Vago, the question What does mindfulness really do? has no simple answer.

Mindfulness Is Far More Than Following Your Breath

Scientists like Vago study the effects of mindfulness by enrolling participants in eight-week interventions. There are four core practices in a mindfulness-based intervention:

1. Focused attention. Mindfulness of breath or a body scan.
2. Open monitoring. Being aware of thoughts arising and passing without attaching to them.
3. Movement-based practices. Hatha yoga or walking meditation.
4. Informal practices. Showing up with mindfulness in day-to-day life. Sometimes, the interventions can include constructive practices (loving-kindness meditation) that help individuals construct positive psychological states.

What about these practices that, moment by moment, begin to shift things for people? According to Vago, the possibilities are profound and consequential: people can get more insight into the workings of their minds; hone their ability to respond rather than to react to circumstances; gain glimpses of non-dual states; renew their understanding of the self and its place in the world; feel a deeper connection to others. “This is the Buddhist prescription for a flourishing life,” says Vago. “Everything else – the improved health and the calm – are merely side effects.”

The Gift of Paying Attention

One of the core faculties that mindfulness hinges on is attention. Attention might not have the buzzwordy flair of mindfulness. Yet, it’s one of our most precious resources. Attention, according to the father of modern psychology, William James, is somewhat of a curator of our lives (“My experience is what I agree to attend to.”) Poet Mary Oliver called paying attention “our endless and proper work.”

“Instructions for living a life:

Pay attention.

Be astonished.

Tell about it.”

Philosopher Simone Weil considered attention “the rarest and purest form of generosity.” “Attention, taken to its highest degree, is the same as prayer. It presupposes faith and love,” wrote Weil. Attention can even alter the perception of another limited human resource – time. As haste and demands leave many of us with the depleting feeling of weeks slipping by, attention can act as a salve to slow down the perceived passage of time (“The best way to capture moments is to pay attention,” wrote Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of mindfulness-based stress reduction.)

Perhaps, then, one of the gifts of mindfulness can be found in nurturing our faculty of attention – to move it more nimbly, with more ease, between the micro and macro of our circumstances. To direct its precise lens on a single cherry blossom’s pale, velvety petals and cast its vast reach beyond all boundaries. To discern content (thoughts, emotions) and context (relation to thoughts and emotions). To revel in the wonder that we are alive at this very moment, together with billions of other sentient beings near and far the blooming trees. This reminder will likely kindle a profound appreciation: for our impermanent existence and our affinity with others.

Here’s David Vago, on how mindfulness meditation affects the mind-brain-body.

MP: How does mindfulness benefit health?

DV: The most well-established health benefits of mindfulness meditation include a decrease in blood pressure and perceived stress, an increase in heart rate variability, and an improvement of inflammatory markers.

Mindfulness has also been shown to help with pain management. The experience of pain has physical and emotional components. While we can’t escape the physical effects of pain on the body, the emotional side (for example, catastrophizing pain) can be reduced through meditation. Namely, by impacting attentional biases, meditation can shift the way we attend to pain. For example, people with chronic pain conditions like fibromyalgia can begin to approach pain-related, fearful stimuli, which can help them become less hypervigilant, less avoidant, and less reactive to environmental pain-related signals.

In our lab, we are exploring the glymphatic system – a brain system associated with clearing metabolic waste. One of the ways that sleep benefits us is by eliminating toxins from our brains. Our findings show that by impacting the glymphatic system, mindfulness meditation – a low metabolic state – can act similarly to sleep and have restorative effects on brain functioning.

MP: How do mindfulness intervention outcomes compare to other treatments like therapy?

DV: Overall, mindfulness improves various outcomes related to emotion, cognition, and the self (for example, rumination and empathy) – if we compare it to doing nothing else. Compared to treatments like SSRIs, anxiety drugs, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), mindfulness interventions work as well as these gold-standard treatment modalities but don’t often outperform them.

MP: Does mindfulness change the brain?

DV: Meditation instigates morphological changes in the brain. The challenge is quantifying them. Because the brain responds to every learning experience, it’s always changing. You’re always learning – no matter what you’re doing – thus, your brain is always changing. While there are different neuroscience methods to investigate how the brain changes shape and size, it’s difficult to show these changes in healthy individuals. In fact, it’s controversial what actually changes. However, for brains that have significant atrophy (for example, adults over 65 or brain trauma patients), morphological changes are detected more readily. This is in part because many atrophy processes are based on inflammation and meditation improves inflammation markers.

Functionally, brain imaging shows that mindfulness can activate the brain’s insula, the dorsal anterior cingulate, and the frontal-parietal network. The frontal parietal network is a group of brain structures that are critical for flexibly switching between processing the external world and the internal world. This helps us not get stuck in our thoughts. Often, our thoughts can have the quality of “stickiness.” For many of us, our most common thought is some version of “I’m not good enough.” We spend half of our lives in our heads, repeating to ourselves the various ways how we are not enough. These thoughts have us convinced that we are failing at some unachievable standard set by ourselves and society. As we elaborate on them, they start sticking. Hence our habit of rumination.

Mindfulness meditation helps develop the capacity to toggle between our thoughts and what’s happening in the world. The frontoparietal network also helps support meta-awareness – knowing where our mind is at any point. Moreover, research shows that individuals who develop high trait mindfulness can better regulate their emotions by increasing prefrontal activity and decreasing amygdala activity.

Whether or not meditation increases brain size has to do with preventing age-related atrophy in the brain. Most of meditation’s effects on cognition – executive functioning, attention, memory – don’t necessarily improve those skills in healthy individuals. It’s not like if you practice a lot of meditation. You’ll get super memory or outstanding decision-making abilities. Instead, brain areas that show increases in size with meditation are simply not atrophying in normal age-related ways.

After age 22, everyone’s cognitive capacities begin to decrease. We can see this as atrophy in specific regions in the brains of older adults. Thus, those older than 65 show the most increased brain size from an eight-week mindfulness course since meditation helps stabilize their cognition and prevents decline. The brains of older meditators don’t atrophy like most healthy, aging individuals because they are strengthening their abilities to keep those crucial brain areas active.

Many thanks to David Vago for his time and insights. Vago is an Associate Professor and visiting faculty at the University of Virginia’s Contemplative Sciences Center, Research Lead for the well-being app RoundGlass, and Director of Neurosciences for the International Society for Contemplative Research.

References

Ponte Márquez, P. H., Feliu-Soler, A., Solé-Villa, M. J., Matas-Pericas, L., Filella-Agullo, D., Ruiz-Herrerias, M., … & Arroyo-Díaz, J. A. (2019). Benefits of mindfulness meditation in reducing blood pressure and stress in patients with arterial hypertension. Journal of Human Hypertension, 33(3), 237-247.

Van Dam, N. T., Van Vugt, M. K., Vago, D. R., Schmalzl, L., Saron, C. D., Olendzki, A., … & Meyer, D. E. (2018). Mind the hype: A critical evaluation and prescriptive agenda for research on mindfulness and meditation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(1), 36-61.

Wittmann, M., & Schmidt, S. (2014). Mindfulness meditation and the experience of time. Meditation–neuroscientific approaches and philosophical implications, 199-209.

Hilton, L., Hempel, S., Ewing, B. A., Apaydin, E., Xenakis, L., Newberry, S., … & Maglione, M. A. (2017). Mindfulness meditation for chronic pain: systematic review and meta-analysis. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 51(2), 199-213.

Nardi, W. R., Harrison, A., Saadeh, F. B., Webb, J., Wentz, A. E., & Loucks, E. B. (2020). Mindfulness and cardiovascular health: Qualitative findings on mechanisms from the mindfulness-based blood pressure reduction (MB-BP) study. PLoS One, 15(9), e0239533.

Zollars, I., Poirier, T. I., & Pailden, J. (2019). Effects of mindfulness meditation on mindfulness, mental well-being, and perceived stress. Currents in Pharmacy Teaching and Learning, 11(10), 1022-1028.

Christodoulou, G., Salami, N., & Black, D. S. (2020). The utility of heart rate variability in mindfulness research. Mindfulness, 11, 554-570.

Bower, J. E., & Irwin, M. R. (2016). Mind–body therapies and control of inflammatory biology: A descriptive review. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 51, 1-11.

Klimecki, O., Marchant, N. L., Lutz, A., Poisnel, G., Chetelat, G., & Collette, F. (2019). The impact of meditation on healthy ageing—the current state of knowledge and a roadmap to future directions. Current Opinion in Psychology, 28, 223-228.

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