Shonda Moralis MSW, LCSW

• It can be easy to allow the fear of failure to hold us back.
• Most of us are either risk-averse or risk-takers. It’s vital to know where you fall on the continuum.
• There are simpleThere are simple steps you can practice to make wise, well-thought-out decisions.

“Do not fear mistakes: There are none.”

Easy for me to say? Well, no, not really. Even though one of my favorite personal mistakes* ultimately led to the successful publishing of my first book, this Miles Davis quote, which is posted visibly in my office, is a reminder that there is always a valuable lesson in our perceived mistakes—even the wretchedly painful ones that in the moment appear cataclysmic and irreversible. This is not to say that we would never alter some of our decisions, given the retrospective opportunity. But in reality, the best we can do is learn from our missteps, make amends if necessary, and usher our newfound knowledge into the present, allowing it to inform our future with wisdom.

The words we choose to describe our blunders matter. Our minds often transform a mere thought into a hard fact, often without our consent. A simple “mistake” can easily morph into a big fat failure if we aren’t cautious about how we perceive it. Which is why I have long bristled at the word failure, finding it too finite, too definite, and much too all-or-nothing in its formulation. And because I have repeatedly observed how “failure” paralyzes us in an unending cycle of fearing more of the same, I am opposed to even permitting it full-word status outside of mental quotation marks and often refer to it as “the other F-word.” It is infinitely more productive, motivating, and sanity preserving to practice reframing the concepts of “mistakes” and “failures” as the potential learning opportunities they are.

When it comes to risking failure, each of us falls somewhere on the continuum from cripplingly risk averse to consummate adrenaline junkie. Ideally, we want to find ourselves in the center, making wise, deliberate decisions without allowing fear to immobilize us.

In my youngerIn my younger years, perfectionist tendencies and the fear of failure kept me playing it safe most of the time. As I have grown older, I have learned to nudge, and occasionally (lovingly) shove, myself more toward the center. As with learning any new skill, this was initially frightening, but it has become less so with practice. Despite my earlier risk aversion, I have nevertheless managed to experience my share of setbacks. It’s just as important, if not more so, to discuss our losses than to underscore our wins. Success is decidedly not linear. Colin Jost of Saturday Night Live said it better than I ever could: “We have to remember that progress isn’t just a straight line upward. . . . It’s a weird roller coaster where sometimes you’re screaming for joy and other times you’re barfing in your own face.” Pretty much.

Here are simple steps to help mitigate the risk and recover from the inevitable setback

1. Designate where you fall on the risk-taking continuum:

Do you tend to play it safe, hang back, and think long and hard about decisions? Do you often regret not having jumped in and experienced adventures, large or small? Or do you find yourself frequently regretting impulsive decisions? Are you regularly drawn to that addictive adrenaline rush from just going for it? Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, reserve judgment about who you are or how you have behaved in the past. This is not about self-criticism but about kind awareness. Self-acceptance must first occur before we can create any mindful positive change.

If you tend to be risk averse, your next step is to work on stepping out of your comfort zone in tiny, manageable ways. Granted, we may not make as many missteps if we are always playing it safe, but without some risk we cannot live up to our full potential and end up stunting opportunities for growth.

If you are more of a natural risk taker, your objective is to stop and notice your bodily sensations before you leap, paying attention to what they may be communicating and honing your ability to notice and follow your intuition over time.

2. If you are deliberating about whether to take a leap:

Regardless of whether you are risk averse or risk adoring, first get quiet in order to listen to your body, as it provides valuable information. You must physically stop to do this. Briefly scan through the body from head to toe, staying curious about any sensations and making mental notes of what you observe.

If it is difficult to notice any sensations at all, do not be discouraged. Each time you practice this mindful break, you increase your familiarity with your own unique body sensations, becoming more in tune with what is normal—and what is not—for you. Typically, we experience sensations tied to emotions somewhere between the head and the stomach or lower back. For example, you might feel muscle tension in your head, neck, or back. Perhaps it feels as if an elephant has taken a seat atop your chest or butterflies are trapped in your stomach. These unpleasant sensations commonly signal an unhealthy, unwise choice. Conversely, ask yourself if there is a general sense of ease, calm, and relaxed muscles. This usually means you are proceeding in the right direction.

Even if you are skilled at noticing sensations, it isn’t always clear what they represent. Or, as in my case, we recognize the sensations but doubt the message out of fear, avoidance, or denial. Since we know that attempting something new often also entails some level of fear, our goal is to distinguish between natural trepidation (take the risk) and our intuition screaming NO! (consider turning back). This, too, requires practice and never entirely becomes foolproof. Provided we gather facts and heed our intuition, we can be assured that we have done our best in that moment, whether we succeed immediately or not.

3. If you are recovering from a “mistake”:

Take a deep breath and offer yourself compassion for the suffering. Remind yourself that you are not alone; everyone has a similar story to share. I know this may be irritating to hear right now, but it will ring true later. Regardless of whether you did not notice informative body sensations, interpreted them wrong, or chose not to heed them, there is always a lesson to be learned—even if it is not immediately clear. Sometimes the best you can do is breathe, put one foot in front of the other, refuse to let fear keep you down, and use what you’ve learned to wisely, kindly inform your next decision.

Adapted and excerpted from Don’t Forget to Breathe: 5-Minute Mindfulness for Busy Women (The Experiment Publishing, 2022).

References

*Read all about it in the full version in Don’t Forget to Breathe.

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MINDFULNESS

In a world where mass shootings and the horrific tragedies of war are continually in your news feed, it’s easy to feel hopeless. Glimmers can help you achieve a more positive outlook when faced with adversity.

Glimmers are those flickers of hope, happiness, or optimism that we encounter during challenging times or when we’re feeling down. Finding glimmers can be as effortless as spotting a rainbow, listening to a child’s laughter, or experiencing a sense of achievement. Such brief instances of positivity serve as beacons of hope, aiding us in managing stress and worries while keeping us motivated.

Glimmers serve as a mechanism through which our brain stores and retrieves significant memories. They facilitate our recollection of past encounters and emotions, offering valuable insights that aid us in making informed choices.

The polyvagal theory, developed by neuroscientist Stephen Porges, sheds light on the science behind glimmers:. they are signals that guide the body into a state of vagal calmness, allowing people to experience a profound sense of safety and connection. Just as the immune system combats illnesses, the body’s nervous system can fight negative emotions through engagement of the vagus nerve. People can effectively harness such engagement to remain securely anchored in positive, optimistic, and safe emotional experiences.

What Are Ways to Access Glimmers?

Proactively exploring our glimmers helps us unleash our complete potential and serve as a source of inspiration for others. Here are ways to find the glimmers in your everyday activities.

• Practice mindfulness: When fully present in the moment, you can notice even the smallest positive experiences, which are easy to overlook when you’re preoccupied. Mindfulness offers a much-welcomed pause.
• Identify positive triggers: Pay attention to the activities or situations that tend to bring a smile to your face or a sense of contentment. Identifying them allows you to then actively seek them out.
• Reflect on what brought you joy in the past: Think back to times when you felt genuinely happy or hopeful. What were the circumstances? What were you doing at the time? Revisiting such memories can provide insight into what brings you joy. That joy can help you find more glimmers.
• Set positive intentions: Start your day with a positive intention. Even small moments of positivity can significantly influence your mental and emotional state. Studies show that regularly experiencing positive emotions can enhance your physical health, reduce stress, and even prolong your life. Looking for and appreciating even the littlest positive experiences can help you notice more glimmers.
• Start a gratitude journal: Regularly write down things you’re grateful for. The practice can shift your focus toward the positive aspects of your life.
• Connect with supportive people: Surround yourself with friends and family who provide emotional support and positivity. The presence and encouragement of supportive people can help you access glimmers.
• Do activities you enjoy: Be intentional about making time for hobbies and activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Doing what you love can create opportunities for glimmers to emerge.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself, especially in difficult times. Treating yourself with compassion can help you recognize and appreciate moments of self-care and self-love.
• Seek professional help if needed: If you’re struggling with accessing glimmers due to persistent negative emotions, consider seeking professional help from therapists, counselors, or life coaches. Such professionals can guide you in developing personalized strategies to overcome negativity and cultivate a more positive outlook.

Identifying your glimmers is a journey, and it may take time and self-reflection. Be patient with yourself and embrace the process. Once you discover your glimmers, you can nurture and pursue them to bring more joy and fulfillment into your life.

References

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0031938403001562…

https://wwnorton.com/books/9780393712377

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28789793/

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(Photo credit: Good Morning America interview)

(NOTE from Blog Publisher)

We covered a news story last year, October 19th 2022, in which Matthew Perry admits to almost dying due to his addiction of opioids. The title was “Matthew Perry Reveals He Nearly Died After Opioid Abuse Burst His Colon” and within this story he discusses his struggles with addiction and how he overcame adversity. Mr. Perry has worked very hard to help people overcome addiction and the news of his passing is very sad and he will be missed. Matthew Perry was more than Chandler from Friends, he was a hard-working advocate for recovery and should be remember as such. Thank you.

Matthew Perry may be widely remembered for his role as the sweetly acerbic Chandler Bing on “Friends,” but for the millions of Americans who have struggled with addiction and sought recovery, the actor’s 2022 memoir might be his most impactful work.

Perry’s memoir, “Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing,” published to great acclaim last fall, recounted his decades-long struggles with substances and his herculean recovery efforts. Within hours of the news of Perry’s death Saturday at age 54, readers flooded social media with tributes about the bravery of his book. Among the revelations: Perry estimated that he had spent more than $7 million over 15 rehab stays treating his addictions to drugs and alcohol.

The cause of death has not been determined. Responding officers found no illicit drugs at the Pacific Palisades home where Perry died. (A toxicology report is pending, and prescription medications recovered at the home will be part of the investigation, which is common practice.) At the time of the book’s release, Perry said that he’d been 18 months sober.

His memoir was an uncommonly candid, bracing look at how addiction can devastate even beloved cultural figures at the height of their fame. But it also emphasized how Perry found continued hope to push his recovery work forward through the very end.

“His life showed the worst of this illness, and the best hopes for our ability to overcome it,” said William C. Moyers, vice president of public affairs for Hazelden Betty Ford, the national addiction treatment center with facilities in Rancho Mirage and Los Angeles.

Moyers said he’d met Perry through the actor’s recovery advocacy and had praised him for his fearlessness in writing the book and in speaking so frankly about his struggles.

”His willingness to share his story so publicly captured the reality that hope is real,” Moyers said. “Regardless of what his cause of death is, he kept fighting and fell and got back up, and was never ashamed to share that truth.”

Amid the outpouring of grief from “Friends” castmates and fans, world leaders and others, many in addiction treatment said Perry’s death was a deep loss. They empathized with his commitment to keep seeking treatment even after setbacks in his recovery.

“Yes, he was Chandler,” actor Eric Lange wrote on X. “But, I hope what Matthew Perry will be remembered for most is that he used his platform to openly share his struggles with the world in the hopes it might help others. It helped me.”

Another memoir reader wrote on the platform formerly known as Twitter: “As a person in active recovery this stings. His book was the first one I read this year and proof that having endless resources are never a cure for addiction.”

And still another person wrote: “Went through a super low point where I regretfully thought long and hard about picking up late last year, didn’t thank heavens, and Matthew Perry’s recent memoir helped keep me sober. To say I’m gutted is an understatement.”

Even pop singer Adele paused her Las Vegas concert Saturday to share what Perry’s vulnerability about addiction had meant to her.

“He was so open with his struggles with addiction and sobriety, which I think is incredibly, incredibly brave,” she said onstage.

Perry shared painful details in his book, recounting his arc from “Friends” ultra-stardom in the ‘90s to a period in 2019 where, in large part because of his drug use, he spent two weeks in a coma with an exploded colon and endured a dozen stomach surgeries.

Even after one his proudest moments onscreen, he wrote, “I married Monica and got driven back to the treatment center — at the height of my highest point in ‘Friends,’ the highest point in my career, the iconic moment on the iconic show — in a pickup truck helmed by a sober technician.”

As recently as 2020, he wrote, after doctors administered propofol that interacted dangerously with hydrocodone already in his bloodstream, paramedics broke eight ribs administering CPR to save his life.

“The kind of message that I guess I give out with this book is don’t give up,” Perry said in an interview in November. “There’s help out there. I’ve been helped on a daily basis. If I didn’t get help, I wouldn’t be sitting here.”

Perry’s book earned comparisons to searing, intimate addiction memoirs by writers like David Carr and Leslie Jamison. Yet celebrity addiction memoirs can be a double-edged sword when it comes to inspiring recovery efforts, Moyers said. The resources that wealthy people can put toward sobriety are vast compared to what typical working people have to get effective care.

“There’s always a“There’s always a risk in having famous people share struggles with addiction, because most of us don’t live in that rare air,” Moyers said. “But all of us can relate to the struggles families have, and we know this illness that does not discriminate whether you’re Matthew Perry or a homeless person seeking treatment at the Salvation Army. We all relate to the brutality of this illness, and that like the rest of us, he kept picking himself up, and he was a better man for it.”

Readers of Perry’s memoir know that he barely avoided death on many occasions, as his illness proved formidable even after years of recovery work.

The book’s lessons in resilience and community support, and the example Perry set in his recovery and bravery in documenting it for all to read, should still hold true regardless of the circumstances of his death, Moyers said.

“Betty Ford told me back in the ‘90s that the most important reason we tell these stories is to reach other people,” Moyers said. “Matthew Perry told that story. We should celebrate that he had the life he did for 54 years, because he never gave up. This illness strips us of hope, but reading how supportive his colleagues were, and how he wouldn’t have made it if not for his friends and family, we should find great meaning in that and never give up on our loved ones.”

Times staff writerTimes staff writer Jen Yamato contributed to this report.

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Mental health conditions are common. One in five U.S. adults experience a mental illness and global estimates show at least 50 percent of us will experience a mental health condition in our lifetime. Decades of research have documented the relationship between parental mental health and that of their children: The mechanisms are complex and include hereditary factors (genetic and historical trauma, for example) as well as social-environmental factors, such as stress, financial stability, and the neighborhoods we live in. Parenthood is an incredibly important gift. Yet society does not meaningfully support families experiencing mental illnesses. I spoke with three mental-health advocates who are also parents living with mental health conditions. Here is some of the wisdom shared.

Prioritize self-awareness, self-love, and self-care

As parents, we are often bombarded with messages that we must sacrifice endlessly to give our kids the best life possible. This message has been exponentially harmful to women and primary caregivers who often give up careers, health, and relationships to be there for their kids. These actions often leave us depleted, resentful, and not the best version of ourselves. All of the parents I spoke to referred to the importance of learning what kind of “me time” was needed to support their mental health and how this practice of self-love and self-care resulted in better parenting and family relationships.

For Devika Bhushan, a pediatrician, immigrant, and mother who lives openly with bipolar disorder, sleep has to be prioritized. Inadequate sleep is a well-known trigger for mood episodes in bipolar disorder. She and her husband, Ashish, have created a collaborative team approach, in which her husband ensures that he is available for overnight and early morning needs for their toddler. In turn, her husband can take breaks in the evening, while she spends one-on-one bonding time with her toddler; as she says, “Setting things up in this way helps to ensure that I’m my best and healthiest self as much of the time as I can be — and able to be the best parent and partner that I can possibly be.”

Empowering kids by keeping them informed

Parents spoke about being conscious of their children’s chronological and developmental age, both of which can impact their ability to understand the information provided to them. All three advocates said that they have or will inform their children about their mental-health condition and how it impacts their functioning. The decision to disclose such information to a child may be influenced by the severity of the condition and symptoms a parent experiences. For Bhushan, it is important that her toddler understands why he is not allowed to wake mommy up in the morning; he is also aware that his mother takes medication every day and needs it to stay healthy.

Sulman Mirza, a triple-board-certified psychiatrist who is active on social media (@sulmoney), says he has not yet disclosed his diagnosis of Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder to his four children, but he plans to use his personal narrative to promote their understanding of their own mental-health needs, if they should arise. He acknowledges the impact of mental illness and even intergenerational trauma on how parents raise their children, stating that he wants kids to know that “your parents are human beings who are trying their best, and they have their own struggles, but it (hopefully) does not make them love or care for you less.”

Growing wiser through struggles

The idea of post-traumatic growth helps us understand that struggles can come with wisdom, strength, and power. In the case of experiencing a mental illness, these parents said that their own experiences with missed diagnoses, and their impact on their functioning and overall health have created a helpful level of awareness about their kids’ needs and development, giving them the opportunity to support their children’s mental-health needs holistically, compassionately and as early as possible. Ashley Perkins is a pharmacist, educator, mental health advocate, and co-founder of We Matter Too. She also lives with PTSD, ADHD, and autism. “I think all of this has made me a more compassionate parent given my child is more than likely autistic and has ADHD as well,” she says.

Sharing collective wisdom

Using our lived experience to empower other parents is one way to be a mental health advocate and promote family health. Mirza reminds us, “You’re not alone. Parenting is a hard period, and adding in mental illness makes it harder. But it’s still doable.” He also wants parents to know that “It is not a guarantee that your kids will have the same conditions you have” but your experience gives you the wisdom to engage in prevention efforts and support them if they do develop a condition.

Perkins reminds us: “Sharing parts of your reality, which includes the challenges you go through, is okay because it allows your partner and your child to understand what it is you are dealing with. This allows them to support you. When you explain things to children in a way they understand, they grasp the concepts well. It also invites an environment of acceptance regarding mental health, and they will be more likely to open up to you when they are struggling because they know you understand.”

eamwork, perseverance, and creativity are important ingredients to make all of this work. Bhushan says: “You absolutely can be an incredible parent and partner with a well-managed chronic health condition, such as bipolar disorder. It just means you have to be willing to think creatively and put in constant work to prioritize your well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself, for your loved ones as well as for yourself.”

Teamwork, perseverance, and creativity are important ingredients to make all of this work. Bhushan says: “You absolutely can be an incredible parent and partner with a well-managed chronic health condition, such as bipolar disorder. It just means you have to be willing to think creatively and put in constant work to prioritize your well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself, for your loved ones as well as for yourself.”

Kids are capable of compassion and understanding if we give them the opportunity.

Kids are smart and perceptive. They pick up on changes in their parents’ mood and stress levels. Including them in tough conversations, in a developmentally appropriate way, can be an empowering experience for them to learn about health promotion from an early age. This can foster compassion and kindness, which they can extend to themselves and others around them. Perkins says that sharing about her mental health conditions with her son normalizes the full range of the human experience, ultimately opening up the space for him to share his own worries and struggles. She also notes that being open about her need to prioritize her health helps her son understand that it is not a lack of desire that prevents her from being with him at times, and instead helps him be more understanding about the differing needs of others when navigating meaningful relationships. Perkins’ son, Wyatt, wants other kids to know that “I love my mom no matter what” and that he appreciates being informed about his mom’s struggles. Perkins also reminds us that these conversations are ongoing and can be challenging, so make sure to remind kids that asking questions is always okay.

This post is also published on the TEKU Healing Corner Blog.

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There are many good reasons to complain about human foresight. For one thing, we are often lousy at taking a longer view, being guided instead by the prospects of a quick buck, the whims of the daily news cycle, or likes on social media. We persistently predict our projects will be finished within budget and on time, even if our rosy forecasts have often been wrong before. And we tend to expect that negative events, say, falling off a ladder, are less likely to happen to us than they actually are. Much of what comes to pass we do not foresee, and much of what we foresee does not come to pass.

Throughout history, humans have conjured up audacious strategies to help them peek ahead in time. An entire alphabet’s worth of fortune-telling methods abounds, from abacomancy—reading the future in the dirt, sand, smoke, or ashes—to zoomancy—reading it from the behavior of birds, ants, goats, or donkeys. What these “-mancies” have in common, of course, is that they do not work as advertised.

Examples of our failures to foresee remain all around us, and they can have tragic consequences for us individually and also for our planet more broadly. When the inventor Thomas Midgley Jr., for instance, introduced lead to gasoline and chlorofluorocarbon to refrigerators, he failed to foresee that within a few decades, these would turn out to be two of the worst pollutants in history.

We are not clairvoyants, but…

You may well be left wondering how our shoddy forecasting capacities could have possibly evolved. What’s the point of so much miscalculation? In our recent book—The Invention of Tomorrow: A Natural History of Foresight—Jon Redshaw, Adam Bulley, and I argue that—paradoxically—much of the strength of foresight comes from our very awareness of its limits.

Because we know we don’t know exactly what the future holds, this drives us to make contingency plans and to innovate ways to tip fortune in our favor. Though we may all have a Plan A, say for our careers, we also understand that events may turn out differently from what we imagined: Our company could go bust, we might get bored, or we could be hit by a bus. So, we put money aside for a rainy day, keep an eye on other opportunities, and purchase comprehensive life insurance packages. People sign prenups and set up fire extinguishers for when they might be needed, all the while hoping they never will be.

Hedging her bets, Nina holds out two hands to make sure she catches the dropping prize.

Source: Thomas Suddendorf

Considering multiple possibilities is essential to effective foresight

Take a simple psychology experiment from our research group where we drop a marble into a vertical tube with two exits at the bottom, like an upside-down Y, and ask a participant to catch it. To prepare for the drop, 2-year-old children tend to cover only one or the other exit, which means they catch the marble only some of the time. But by age 4, children instantly cover their bases and hold one hand under each of the exits, ensuring they will catch the prize regardless of where it falls. Even preschoolers know that the future is uncertain and prepare for more than one possibility.

When we giveWhen we give this task to chimpanzees, orangutans, and various monkeys, dropping a grape into the forked tube, they act like young toddlers and tend to cover just one exit. They don’t seem to know that their prediction could be wrong. There is as yet no compelling evidence that nonhuman animals, even our closest living great ape relatives, can foresee mutually exclusive possibilities and prepare accordingly.

Because humans can conceive of multiple versions of the future branching from the present, we can compare our options to select the best one. This capacity has far-reaching implications, not just in enabling contingency planning. It gives us our intuitive sense of “free will”—our (some would say fanciful) impression that we are the masters of our destiny. People tend to treasure this notion. Although it’s not always obvious which path is best, it is empowering to think we are the ones behind the wheel.

Foresight has changed the world

Since we realize that our predictions might be wrong, we can also set out to test them—a process that scientists exploit to a powerful effect. Experiments and observations give rise to theories, which lead to predictions that are then tested with further experiments and observations. If the predictions turn out to be wrong, scientists try to devise a better theory to explain the unexpected observations, which then leads to new predictions and tests. And so on. With this simple cycle—essentially an error-correction mechanism—the collaborative scientific endeavor has resulted in giant strides in our understanding of the world and our capacity to predict what lies ahead.

Today, many scientific forecasts indicate that we are facing dramatic challenges—pollution, climate change, and mass extinctions, to name but a few—that will require complex plans and concerted efforts to address.

As presumably the only animal on the planet capable of foreseeing alternative long-term consequences of their actions, we have choices faced by no other creature. Our farsightedness burdens us, and us alone, with responsibility. And unless we want to go the way of the dodo, it will pay to cover our bases.

This article was adapted from The Invention of Tomorrow: A Natural History of Foresight by Thomas Suddendorf, Jonathan Redshaw, and Adam Bulley.

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A couple of days ago I wandered over to the café which is just a short stroll up the road from my house. I ordered my usual double-shot espresso and then moved off to the side to wait for my name to be called. I frequently enjoy these short interludes when I can simply observe the busy hum of the early-morning activity.

The Particularity of Mr. Hakimana

As I was waiting, I found myself tuned in to the conversation the barrister was having with one of the other waiters. The barrister was explaining an order that had just been placed.

“Now Mr Hakimana only likes a small amount of milk [indicating a little gap with her index finger and thumb] and he likes it in a separate cup so he can add it himself. He also likes his muffin warmed for just 20 seconds and he prefers the butter and relish to be served on a different plate with the knife on the butter and relish plate, not the muffin plate.”

The barrister smiled, shrugged, and ended with, “He’s a very particular person.”

I can remember being intrigued by the wonderfully specific details that were needed to successfully deliver this chap’s order, but what really captured my attention was the statement about being a “very particular” person. Without even realizing I had become so engrossed in the description, I found myself thinking, “Yes, he is a very particular person. Just like all of us.”

The Particularity of Everyone

It occurred to me that we are all “particular” in our own ways. Very particular in fact. Some people are very particular about the way their hair is positioned, while others are more particular about how much alcohol they drink on a weeknight, whether or not they can run six miles in under an hour, or which sock they put on first.

People might be particular about the pets they have, the meals they serve at Thanksgiving, or how they arrange their clothes on the washing line. It turns out that the way sweets are arranged in a jar is also a thing in which some people take a particular interest.

Individuals can even be particular about having nothing, in particular, to be particular about. These people can be exceedingly difficult to coax an opinion or preference out of about anything. They’re just particular about going with the flow and not making waves.

We are, in fact, designed to be particular. We’re not designed to be particular about specific things. We’re just built to create and protect a prolific bunch of particulars.

Everyone has preferences. We actually have preferences about lots of different things. We have different preferences about different things: I like to go running before the sun gets up, whereas my friend John likes to go sailing before the sun goes down.

We can also have the same preference for different things. My wife likes her Lady Grey tea to be piping hot, which is how I like my sizzling Chinese garlic shrimp served. And, people can have different preferences for the same thing. I like my steak cooked “blue,” whereas my sister will only eat steak that is cooked “well done.”

Everyone’s preferences differ to a greater or lesser extent. It’s remarkable, really, that we get along as well as we do as often as we do. There are certainly skirmishes, mishaps, and misunderstandings, and tragic interpersonal conflicts, but these are generally not the order of the day.

That’s probably why they grab the spotlight when they do occur. Thankfully, they are not commonplace. Have you ever stopped to think about the kaleidoscopic variety of particulars swarming around your workplace, your study group, or your tennis club every time there’s a gathering?

The Importance of Respecting People’s Particularities

For the most part, we’re pretty good at finding ways to protect our particulars, while also not interfering unnecessarily with others’ efforts to look after their particulars. Mostly we don’t even notice we’re doing it. When kerfuffles do occur, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s anything wrong with the people concerned. People with different ideas about the particular way things should be are, for the most part, not sick or broken or otherwise in need of fixing.

Differences in the way we like things to be are just part of the way life is. Spending time convincing, cajoling, coercing, or otherwise persuading people to alter their preferences often increases rather than diminishes the unrest.

Time could possibly be spent more usefully finding out the significance of the state of any particular particular and how it contributes to a life worth living. Places that have somehow found ways for people to enjoy the particular particulars that are on their minds throughout the day are the best places to frequent. It will be a marvelous day when every place is that kind of place.

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As of 2023, the United States has almost 250 million social media users. That number climbs to nearly 5 billion people worldwide and is expected to reach 6 billion by 2027. The average person spends an astonishing two and half hours of their time on social media each day. To put that into perspective, if you started using social media at age 10 and continued till age 80, you’d have spent over seven years of your life on these apps.

With statistics like these, we all need to be asking about the long-term risks to our health, including our mental health. But what does the science actually tell us about the links between mental health and social media use? Here’s the latest science, and steps we should all consider taking today.

Google “social media” and “mental health,” and you’re sure to get a lot of hits. Prominent themes in news stories include higher rates of depression, anxiety, and stress especially in younger people. Yet the actual scientific research tends to be more split on the topic. So what does the research say? Let’s review some of the largest analyses looking at the links between social media use and mental health published in the last few years:

• Problematic social media use in youth is linked to higher levels of depression, anxiety, and stress (2022 systematic review and meta-analysis)
• Problematic social media use is correlated with worse well-being and higher distress, as well as more loneliness and depression (2020 meta-analysis)
• Screen time does not appear to be linked to worse mental health outcomes including smartphones and social media time (2022 meta-analysis)
• Social media can create community, but when used excessively, it’s linked to depression and other mental health disorders (2022 meta-analysis of countries across the world)
• Social media use correlations with worse mental health in youth are described by some studies as “small to moderate,” while others looking at the same data reported the associations as “serious, substantial or detrimental,” suggesting disagreement in the interpretation of the data (2022 umbrella review of data)
• Young adults with higher social media use may feel more socially isolated (observational data, 2017)
• Older adults who use social media may experience “enhanced communication with family and friends, greater independence and self-efficacy, creation of online communities, positive associations with well-being and life satisfaction and decreased depressive symptoms.” (2021 scoping review)

As you can probably tell, even the most comprehensive journal articles on this topic have rather conflicting messages. Yet there are some key stable themes that we can extract from all this work that can help guide us towards safer social media use for our brain health.

1. Our digital devices, especially our smartphones, are packed with technology and apps designed to capture our attention. Companies behind these products are largely incentivized to keep us looking at the screen, not necessarily happy.
2. Children and youth may be at higher risk for negative mental health outcomes from social media use than adults.
3. Problematic (unhealthy) social media use is emerging as a clear risk factor for worse mental health, but the definition of this term is unclear. Usually, it’s something similar to characteristics of addiction (e.g., preoccupation, compulsion, withdrawal).
4. Social comparison that occurs due to social media exposure may increase the risk for worse mental health outcomes, and this may be more of an issue for young women.
5. Social media can provide meaningful connections to people who might not have access to strong in-person networks specific to their interests or needs.

What does this mean for how we might approach social media use?

With most people on Earth participating in at least one social media platform, it’s unlikely that the social media genie is headed back into the bottle anytime soon. Some have argued for large-scale restrictions on social media use for children and adolescents while others propose an outright ban. How and when a person engages with social media will always be unique to the individual, but when looking at a personal approach to use, most will benefit from asking if their use passes the test of T.I.M.E. (adapted from Brain Wash).

T: Time-restricted

Is your time spent on social media time restricted? If not, can you set a time limit that you feel comfortable dedicating to social media?

I: Intentional

Is your social media use intentional, or are you falling prey to doomscrolling, social comparison, or the plans of the app developer that’s trying to steal your attention?

M: Mindful

Is your social media time mindful or mindless? Do you find yourself losing large chunks of your day to scrolling? If so, consider reevaluating your use.

E: Enriching

Does your social media use enrich your life? Does it educate you? Connect you with others? Provide an opportunity to grow your business. If it’s hard to answer yes, it’s likely that your apps are extracting more from you than you’re getting in return.

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Climate disasters, power-hungry narcissists, fake news, identity theft, rising food prices … Has a sense of overwhelm begun to permeate as you scroll through your feed? Do you feel a certain weariness around caring? If so, you are not alone; compassion fatigue has worsened for many people post-pandemic, leading to sleep difficulty, irritability, and numbing. Many of us are at the point of “Who cares?”

Yet more than ever, faced with existential challenges, we need people who can care deeply and act. What is going on, and what can we do?

It’s vulnerable to care.

When we care, we allow ourselves to feel our desire for something to be a certain way. But as soon as we feel our longing, reality confronts us with our limits. We cannot 100 percent secure any outcome. Forces outside our will and effort always play a role in how things turn out.

The pandemic was a clear example of how our lives, indeed our world, can be upended by something as small as a virus. Certainty is a fantasy and striving for ultimate control is a strategy to deny our limits. We are indeed only human.

Faced with the pain of caring without having control, some people go into worry mode where conscious anxiety spikes and they run scary movies. But many others do not consciously feel anxious. Instead, they escape what they feel. They numb out and avoid the inner experience. And the trigger is unrest.

Is your alarm waking you or are you pressing snooze?

In my book, Embracing Unrest: Harness Vulnerability to Tame Anxiety and Spark Growth I share the key to transforming experience avoidance. Unrest is a valuable alarm inside all of us, meant to get our attention at the optimal moment for growth. When we are vulnerable, unrest speeds our breathing, tightens our muscles, and agitates our nervous system.

Unrest wants to wake us up so we can access the power of adaptive emotion to live our most authentic, resilient, and connected lives.

But there’s a catch: Unrest only works as a wake-up call if we perceive it accurately. If we do not, unrest ejects us from our inner experience. It signals us through the sympathetic nervous system and is physiologically indistinguishable from fear. If we don’t recognize the growth-promoting purpose of unrest, the alarm meant to wake us and bring us into the moment will make us shut down and press snooze on our inner lives.

We have a choice: Approach or avoid.

Unrest is a phone call letting us know we are on the cusp of a growth moment, and we need to learn our unique ringtone. We need to become aware of body sensations letting us know we’re faced with longing and limits. Even though we’re wired to avoid anything that feels like fear, unrest is a call to come home and feel in the body. We have a choice: Approach or avoid.

When we tune into those uncomfortable sensations with precision, we can soothe our nervous system. Through slowing down and really feeling our held breath and tense muscles we send a message to the body that it is not in danger. This nervous system activation is not an immediate threat to life and limb. It’s simply unrest heralding emotion, inviting us to come home and feel.

Doing what we can with what we have.

Feelings are energy meant to motivate and empower us so we can adapt to reality. We are meant to be able to accept our limits without collapsing in despair and going numb. We are meant to be able to move from the anger and grief of not being able to make things as we wish, to the place of doing what we can with what we have.

When we face our human limits, we come out the other side with the energy to care and act. We matter and feel how others matter. We feel more alive and connected. Even though we do not have ultimate control, we can still care. And that matters.

References

Brown, Brene (2015). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. New York: Avery.

Santomauro, D.F., Mantilla Herrera, A.M., et al (2021). Global prevalence and burden of depressive and anxiety disorders in 204 countries and territories in 2020 due to the COVID-19 epidemic. The Lancet, 398(10312), 1700-1712

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Schooling has a halo around it in society’s eyes, and halos tend to interfere with perception and judgment. Maybe that’s why nearly everyone, including journalists, whose job it should be to keep their eyes and minds open and report honestly to the public, continues to ignore the ever-growing evidence that school is a major cause of anxiety, depression, and even suicide in children and teens.

Every scintilla of evidence that social media may be contributing to the mental health crisis among young people gets blown up in the popular press (see here), while the overwhelming evidence for the role of the school is ignored. An exception is an August 2022 Scientific American article by Tyler Black, an emergency psychiatrist who works at a major children’s hospital,. Black shows clearly and starkly the temporal relationship between suicides and the school calendar.

I first became interested in the relationship between schooling and mental breakdowns in 2014, when a clinical psychologist who works with children told me that her business increases dramatically every fall when the school year begins and declines again in mid-to-late June when it ends. Her view was that children simply do better psychologically when school is not in session.

I wondered then whether I could find objective, published evidence for a relationship between mental breakdowns and the school calendar. I scoured the literature and found no research directly related to that topic, but I did find a graph, published online by one hospital, showing the month-to-month number of children’s emergency psychiatric visits to that hospital for every year from 2000 to 2013. The numbers were startling. The average rates of admissions were less than half as high during the school vacation months of July and August than they were during the months of full schooling. The online article made no mention of this striking and consistent relationship, but the data were clear. I published the data in a post on this blog, in August of 2014.

Four years later I conducted another search and found new research, and one older study that I had missed in the earlier search, confirming and extending what I had found for that single hospital. The research revealed that throughout the nation, suicides, as well as lesser mental health breakdowns for school-aged children and teens (but for no other age group), rise sharply at the beginning of every school year and then decline every summer. I summarized those findings in another post in May 2018. But now there are even more data. I begin with data presented in Black’s Scientific American article.

Children’s Risk of Suicide Increases on School Days

The subtitle here is the title of Black’s article. He showed graphically, using data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Wonder database for the years 2000 to 2020, a tight relationship between the school calendar and suicides for school-aged children (under age 18). The data revealed that during school months, the suicide rate was consistently highest on Monday through Thursday, declined significantly on Friday, and was lowest on Saturday and Sunday.

His data also showed that, month by month over the 20-year period, the suicide rate was lowest in July, which is the only month that is fully vacation for nearly all schools; increased somewhat in August, when some children start school and most begin to anticipate school; increased much more in September, when most children are back in school; and by October was 43% higher than it was in July. The rate then remained about that high through the rest of the school year, except for a dip in December (when most children have a winter vacation), and finally declined sharply in June when summer vacation begins for most students.

His graphs show further that the relationship between month and suicide did not hold for young adults (age 18-30) beyond secondary school age. In fact, for them, the suicide rate was slightly higher in the summer months than during the rest of the year.

Other relatively new studies reveal a similar temporal relationship between school and suicide in other countries, including Germany, Finland, India, and Japan. The study in Japan encompassed a 40-year period, from 1974 to 2014, and revealed on average a roughly 40% jump in suicides at the start of each school year compared with the rate during summer break.

Suicides Declined When Schools Closed in the COVID Pandemic and Rose Again When In-Person Schooling Resumed

When COVID struck and U.S. schools closed in March of 2020, many pundits predicted that this disruption in children’s routines would be disastrous for their mental health. But at least three independent systematic surveys—one of which was conducted by the nonprofit organization Let Grow and which I published in the American Journal of Play—revealed that, on average, both parents and children themselves reported the children to be less anxious and depressed during at least the first three months of lock-down (when the surveys were conducted) than they had been before schools were closed. You can find my academic report of the Let Grow study and review of the other studies here (and my blog posts on the research here and here).

More recently, a research team headed by Benjamin Hansen of the National Bureau of Economic Research analyzed teen suicide data for the period before, during, and after pandemic school closures in the U.S. (published here). They found (in their words): “Teen suicides plummeted in March of 2020 when the COVID-19 pandemic began in the U.S. and remained low throughout the summer before rising in Fall 2020 when many K-12 schools returned to in-person instruction.”

These researchers also developed a method to determine the day when individual counties reopened schools and found a tight relationship between that timing and the rise in suicides. For counties that opened schools in early August, the rise in suicides began in August; for counties that opened schools in September, the rise in suicides began in September.

A drop in teen suicides during COVID school closures has also been reported in China. The pandemic started earlier there than in the U.S., so Chinese schools closed much earlier in the school year than U.S. schools and began reopening for in-person schooling around the same time in March that U.S. schools were closing. According to the report, the reopening was accompanied by a sharp increase in psychological distress and suicides among students.

Why Do Mental Health Breakdowns and Suicides Increase When School Is in Session?

The answer to this question is probably not simple and may differ substantially from case to case. Hansen and his team suggest that a major cause of the suicide increase is persistent bullying. As evidence, they cite studies showing that bullying occurs more in school than in other settings and that bullying appears to be the immediate trigger for at least some suicides. Black suggests a more multifaceted set of causes. The bullying may not come just from students but also from teachers or even from the way the school is structured. He writes: “[School] can be incredibly stressful because of bullying, health- and disability-related barriers, discrimination, lack of sleep and sometimes abuse.”

In a study of “Stress in America” conducted by the American Psychological Association in 2013, teenagers of school age were found to be more stressed, by their own reports, than people in any other age group, and 83% of them said school pressure was a significant source of their stress. This was much higher than any other reported source, including bullying. Moreover, teens who were surveyed during the school year reported twice as many instances of severe recent stress than did teens who were surveyed during the summer. The idea that the pressure and competitiveness of schoolwork itself is a major cause of psychological breakdown is reinforced by research showing that students in “high-achieving schools” suffer from such breakdowns at higher rates than do those in schools where the concern for high marks is less strong (see my summary of such research here).

What Can We Do About the Problem?

So far, the most common approach of schools in addressing the problem is to try to change the children, not the school. They have brought in therapists, paid for courses in “social-emotional learning,” recommended drugs, and counseled parents, but they have done little to change schooling itself to make it more student-friendly. In fact, most school changes have been in the opposite direction, which may help explain why rates of suicide have increased from year to year for school-aged kids. Black suggests it is time for schools to modify their own practices. Among his suggestions (quoted verbatim) are the following:

• “Reduce homework (preferably get rid of it). Some of the best educational science available shows that excessive homework is of limited benefit and in fact harms children’s health and well-being.”

• “Restore funding for playtime, music, and art in school and de-emphasize academic overload. Children need relaxation, comfort, beauty, fun, and play. Children who have opportunities for play and rest will learn more in their academics, and they will also be able to sustain their development as they grow.”

• “End ‘perfect attendance’ awards and goals. … We should all, from time to time, recognize when we are at our limit and need a break.” [My words: The suggestion here is that just as adults sometimes take mental health breaks from work, kids should be encouraged, not discouraged, in taking breaks from school when they feel the need.]

• “Start school later. How many more decades of research do we need to show that children need more sleep and that adolescents do better in school when the day starts later? It’s time to make serious structural changes in the early-morning wake-up times.” [Again, me: One of the reasons given by parents for their kids’ improved mental health during the COVID lockdown, in our survey, was that they were able to sleep later in the morning.]

• “Be nonjudgmental and respect children’s identities and identity formation. This is not a ‘woke’ concept. This is a caring, compassionate concept that works for all children all the time.”

• “Recognize and address child abuse within schools. There exist (and many readers may likely recall) teachers who are abusive, punitive, and cruel.”

To Black’s suggestions for modifying schools, I add this suggestion to parents: If your child truly, consistently, says he or she hates school, or if the bouts of anxiety or depressions are severe, take that seriously and do research on alternatives. Alternatives are far more available, even to families with low incomes, than most people realize.

As regular readers of this blog know, I have conducted and written about research studies of young people who opted out of public or conventional private schooling, often because of traumatic experiences there. They opted for homeschooling or for democratic alternative schooling, and in those settings restored themselves, discovered and pursued their interests, and went on to highly successful adult lives in the whole range of careers valued by our society. Some even reported to me that they believed their parents’ willingness to take them out of conventional schooling saved their lives, and I believe them.

Our societal view that forced, curriculum-based schooling is essential for success in today’s world is a societal myth. For a summary of evidence for that, see here and here.

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It’s well-established that youth mental health has suffered in recent years—with wide-ranging factors contributing to the problem including the proliferation of social media among young people and the isolation created by the COVID-19 pandemic.

Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General reported that 44 percent of U.S. high-school students feel persistently sad or hopeless. In 2021, emergency room visits for suicide attempts increased by 51 percent for adolescent girls and 4 percent for boys compared to two years earlier.

Recent Study

A recent, large study sheds more light on what’s happening. Public health researchers analyzed data from 200,000 children who visited the emergency department for mental health problems at 38 U.S. pediatric hospitals from 2015 to 2020.

Their study, published in JAMA Pediatrics, found that mental health visits in the emergency department increased by approximately 8 percent annually, compared with a 1.5 percent increase for other types of visits; in addition, they found 13 percent of patients revisited the emergency department for a mental health problem within six months of their initial visit.

Interestingly, the patients most likely to revisit the emergency rooms within six months were not young people who attempted suicide or harmed themselves, but those who demonstrated disruptive, impulsive, and aggressive behaviors.

Young patients with psychotic disorders were 42 percent more likely to revisit within six months compared to patients with self-harming behaviors or suicidal thoughts. Patients with impulse control disorders were 36 percent more likely to return to the emergency department compared to self-harming patients. And patients treated with medications used as chemical restraints were 22 percent more likely to return compared with patients who did not receive those medications.

What’s going on here? There are many factors that come into play. But researchers suggest that young people with behavioral disorders are not getting the support they need from our health care system. When a young person with a behavioral health problem becomes out of control or presents a danger to others, the caregivers have nowhere to turn except the emergency department at the hospital.

National guidelines recommend avoiding chemical restraints—medications delivered via injections to subdue patients—because that can inflict trauma on the patient and lead to injuries for patients, caregivers, and family members. Despite the guidelines, a study published in 2021 found use of these medications increased by 370 percent from 2009 to 2019. The study also found these types of medications are more likely to be used on Black patients and male patients between 18 and 21 years old.

Unfortunately, there is little indication that the youth mental health crisis is improving, said Josh Felver, a licensed child and adolescent psychologist, extension associate, and visiting scholar of the Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research’s Residential Child Care Project.

“The youth mental health crisis is in its second decade at this point, and COVID just poured gas on the fire,” Felver said. But there are steps that health officials and educators are taking to address this serious problem, he said.

Addressing the Problem

School systems are dedicating funding to social-emotional learning initiatives to help bolster youths’ coping skills to prevent the development of mental health problems.

Adults not working as mental health professionals, such as camp counselors and teachers, are being trained to recognize red flags of serious mental health problems, and how to respond effectively to youth who are in distress so that they may be connected with mental health resources.

The federal government is allocating research funding to address the child and adolescent mental health crisis, particularly for youth with known mental health disparities including marginalized sexual, gender, and racial minority groups.

And there is increasing funding for innovative solutions, such as partial hospitalization programs, to reduce the burden on emergency departments overwhelmed with pediatric behavioral and psychiatric patients in crisis.

The take-home message: Health care for young people with behavioral health problems is lacking in the United States. It’s important for public health officials, health care providers, and schools to continue to find new ways to address the youth mental health crisis.

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